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Guidelines for Fair Fighting​

Communication Skills for Couples
​Conflict is inevitable, but ineffective and destructive fighting can destroy relationships.
Try this exercise: Review these guidelines with your partner (in a calm moment) and identify each person’s greatest strengths and weaknesses in the realm of managing conflict...
  1. Timing matters: seek your partner’s buy-in to agree on when a tense discussion will happen
  2. Explicitly agree on what problem is being discussed (you can write it down)
  3. Deal with a current problem; don’t dredge up the past
  4. Stay focused on that one issue and avoid adding on others
  5. Don’t debate about insignificant details
  6. Resist responding defensively
  7. Take responsibility by using “I” statements (a downloadable template is available here)
  8. Be gentle and direct, and resist sarcasm
  9. Don’t read your partner’s mind or expect your partner to read yours
  10. Take turns Listening-Reflecting-Clarifying (see this blog post for more information)
  11. Give each person equal time - avoid monopolizing or “lecturing”
  12. Participate: avoid “stonewalling” (going silent)
  13. Avoid rolling eyes, angry sighs, smirking, yawning, finger pointing etc.
  14. Speak softly. Honor your partner’s request for lowering your voice
  15. Do not interrupt. If it seems important to do so, ask permission to interrupt.
  16. Avoid “You always…” & “You never…” – these invite defensiveness
  17. Do not argue when intoxicated
  18. Do not argue when tired, hungry, etc.
  19. Attack the issue, not the person: No name-calling/ shaming/ global criticisms/ character assassinations
  20. No violence (slapping, punching, pushing, grabbing, hitting, restraining, blocking)
  21. No escalating words/ behaviors (yelling, obscenities, taunting, belittling)
  22. Don’t save up feelings and dump them all at once; try to air feelings often
  23. Ask for a break or a slower pace when you need time to calm down or think
  24. If you need to walk away or leave, reassure your partner, “I need a break, I’ll be back”.
  25. Discuss more challenging arguments in relatively short segments. Agree when you will
          come back together to continue the discussion
  26. Give each other the ability to withdraw or change your mind.
  27. Sitting or lying close, or holding hands while discussing the issue can be mutually soothing
  28. Sitting or walking side-by-side while talking can decrease stress/ overwhelm
  29. Ask questions that will clarify, not judge or criticize
  30. Don’t involve other people or their opinions of the situation
  31. Don’t make threats or bring up divorce in the heat of an argument; calmly state your needs
  32. Be willing to apologize and take responsibility for your mistakes
  33. Brainstorm possible solutions together and be willing to compromise
  34. Look for opportunities to praise your partner/ acknowledge positives about the situation​
THE GOALS OF HEALTHY CONFLICT ARE:
*  Building connection & understanding (not polarization) * 
 *  Achieving mutually satisfying resolution (not “winning”) *
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Maysie Tift is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Master Hypnotist who sees clients in her San Rafael, CA office and online.